Scattered minds make scattered thoughts

Hello, dear blog. It's good to see you again. I meant to write yesterday, last weekend, on Mardi Gras...but I didn't. I'm here now, though. Hi.

It's been a whirl of days lately, and my mind feels the same--constantly moving, but never feeling like I settle on any one place I stop. It's making me feel disjointed and, well, scattered. That scattered feeling then leads to me not actually sitting down and stopping for a minute to catch my breath, because I'm constantly looking ahead at the next dozen items on my to-do list.

And thus, no blog posts.

Case in point: as I sit here in my home office and write this, I have about a dozen little nagging voices in the back of my head yelling at me to be doing other things. I need to grade; I need to lesson plan; I need to turn music on; I need to not turn music on and just listen to the outside through my open window; I need to go to the gym in two hours, now an hour and a half, soon an hour; I need to go to running group tonight; so I need to REALLY BE LESSON PLANNING RIGHT NOW, RACHEL, COME ON.

And that's just in the last minute.

By my calculations last night, I should have responded to about 60 student blogs by this point this morning. The plan was to get those blogs responded to and get tomorrow lesson planned before I head off to the gym, so that I can plan for future projects and get some major project grading done in the afternoon.

So, like a good English teacher, I came into my office with my cup of coffee and breakfast, and sat down at my desk.

Then I saw the scattered papers, and my scattered thoughts chased those papers onto the floor and into organized piles. Then my scattered thoughts took those now-organized piles and filed them away in my filing box, trying to not look at my new filing cabinet that sits in the middle of my office, homeless and awaiting purpose. That is for another day; God, grant me another day.

Once I sat back down at my desk with the scattered papers now removed, I saw my new journal that a dear friend gave me last week and that I plan on using for fitness goals and discussion. You know, the stuff I *don't* feel like sharing on the internet. And I was all set to write in it, but then I saw my #fitgirlsguide folder, its papers sticking out like fine hair on a dry day. Next to it, my latest running training program, which I just finished on Saturday. What do I do with all these papers? I wondered. What do I do with all these thoughts?

And so, instead of writing in that new journal, or reading those student blogs, I just spent the last hour making a brand new binder of all my fitness & nutrition papers. I organized the scattered and tried to reconcile the seemingly double fitness life I live, weaving together my running goals and my #FGG goals. And through the journey of pulling old papers and dusting off old goal charts, I took a lovely trip down memory lane. I revisited that girl who started her #Fitgirlsguide journey 10 months ago, who was so scared to try something new but also so tired of looking like crap and feeling like she was still carrying the weight of a shitty past relationship around with her. And through looking over all these scattered papers and spent months, I saw a pattern of strength and courage and a little bit of crazy.

Perhaps that's the thread that connects these thoughts & memories together. Perhaps, especially on days like today when I'm so very impatient with myself and so very overwhelmed with all I need to do, I should embrace the crazy a little bit more and remember that I have the strength to do anything I set my mind to.

I just need to pause every once in a while to set that mind.